I thought I won't shed a tear...

It has been almost 3 weeks now since the passing of my friend Jasmine.  I can say I barely think of her now.  For the past year, I have convinced myself that I won't have enough sorrow in me to cry when she dies.  After all, I felt that she has abandoned our close BFF friendship for her new buddhist friends. We barely saw each other the past 5 years and she seemed to be more interested in spending time with her buddhist friends even when she was still healthy.  She got sicker the past year which made us spend time with each other even less.  So I convinced myself that I will not miss her absence at all.  I told myself that life for me will go on as it was like the past 5 years.

But I was wrong about my feelings.  I was there bedside along with our other friends when she took her last breath.  And the sudden realization that she will never be with us ever again hit me like a big brick wall and I lost it.  The anger and sorrow just came out and I ended up crying.  I still had love for  her despite of what I told myself.  It was my love to begin with that made me angry at her for "replacing" me with other friends.  Indeed my mind can not dictate how my heart felt.  In the end I felt enough sorrow and lost that made me shed tears for Jasmine.

Incidentally, today is All Souls Day in Christian Catholic calendar.  Although Jasmine died as a buddhist, she was raised Catholic.  I hope she is now in Christian heaven or reincarnated into another good person as the Buddhist believes.  Goodbye my friend.  Till we meet again.