I recently turned 40 and it is quite daunting. I know it is just a number but I did not feel this way when I turned 38 or 39. The fact that I can no longer say I am in my 30s made me reflect on my life and what I have done. It seems that society have different expectations and views on what a 40 something man should be. If I were a heterosexual, I ought to be married with children in their pre-teens living in a single family home in the burbs. But how about a homosexual in his 40s? What is to be expected of me? Fabulous dinner parties that makes Martha Stewart proud? A bf and a dog living on a hi rise somewhere in downtown Chicago? Designer suits I can actually pay for in cash?
Then I thought about what I have achieved. For starters, I have a nice condo in a nice urban neighborhood that will be paid off next 2 months! I don't have any car or credit card debt. So financially I am doing quite well. I have a good career as a physical therapist. The pay is good and job security is excellent. I have tucked away a good amount in retirement funds that will secure my comfort when I retire. (Nothing is worst than an old poor gay man in a nursing home with no children to care for them.) And also, I have traveled abroad and seen places that not everybody can boast having seen first hand. I have a set of few close friends I can rely on. I have the love and acceptance of family members that matters. I have loved and have my heart broken. A life experience that only made me a better and stronger individual. So all in all, I am not doing bad for a gay man in his 40s.
Then I thought of what seems to be missing in my life. The very first thing that came to me is a secure loving lasting relationship with another man. I may be gay but that does not exclude me from yearning to have companionship. Should an unconditional love of a dog be the answer? I know it is not but somehow the dog solution is so much easier than finding love. At this point, I can only hope that love will find me again.
Then I thought about what else I can do to make my 40 something years better. Perhaps a botox and lipo here and there? Definitely more travel is a must. And lastly, I think I need to build more stronger friendship and bond with friends and family.
I guess, there is nothing to fret about turning 40 after all...
5 comments:
Happy 40th! You have achieved so much already. Good job! Continue living your life to the fullest. Sometimes you'll laugh out loud till your belly hurts. Or you'll get so hurt, it's excruciating. Maybe you'll feel blank and vacant at times. Just give yourself the space to feel. Most importantly, be true to yourself. :) Belated happy birthday!
thanks cez, you and your sister and husband are such nice people. remember i was there with you guys last year celebrating my 39th? time flies. and what you say about just allowing meself to FEEL is so true. I shall FEEL!
Wish I was there at your big bash. We'll celebrate again this year. Check out Stagenotes' shout-out to you.
hi bing
as someone over 40, i can say it is true that life does begins at 40. most of us finally have the confidence and self-knowledge to know what we want, feel good about ourselves and what will make us happy.
ever since you came out to LA years ago and marched in the parade with us wearing your denim cutoffs:), i've always admired the way you live your life to the fullest and with pride and i am proud to be your cousin.
here's to our next 40 years! the best is yet to come!
richie
thanks ta lani, thanks tito ricksy. i feel better already
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